I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
