I CAN MOONWALK!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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