I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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