she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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