just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
