The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think i have two assholes
Barsexuality is the new black.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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