there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i already hear my dad disowning me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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