Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
