Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
