Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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