I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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