dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
