In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
