This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
