I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize