a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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