now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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