Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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