Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
