Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
