Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
