we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
