so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
