Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I skipped work to stalk him.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
