I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
