Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize