Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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