I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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