Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
