I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
my being single is dangerous.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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