I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
