Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
