My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
