dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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