Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
