I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
