Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
