I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
