When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
