We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize