if you like me you must not know who I am
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
