Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
