I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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