You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
