Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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