Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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