i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize