i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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