I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
