John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
