And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
