dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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