We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
