his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
