Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
