Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
