how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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